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This Stuff Can Be a Real Monster

Note: This account in no way puts blame on anyone on how my life is or turned out. I am the sum of my choices and my mistakes. This is only to express myself.

This will be the most honest account of me on the internet. I say this because even as I type this very sentence, I don’t know how this is going to end.

Anxiety can be and is a real monster. I’m not talking the little afraid of what’s to come variety. I mean the type where a doctor prescribes you medicine, and you can actually feel your brain functioning differently than normal. That’s me by the way. It’s not fun.

I think my issues, in fact I’m sure my issues reach back to my childhood. Not in “my family is in fault” kind of way, but in a “I wish signs were more recognizable” way because my interactions with people are still very much affected by anxiety.

A few weeks ago, I went home for Clarke County High School Homecoming and had a great time, but it hit me that I don’t have a single close relationship with any my classmates. That’s not on them, it’s totally on me. Let me explain.

There’s something in my head that makes me feel like I’m never good enough (this will come into play later) and no one actually likes me. While I believe I handled this differently while there, me getting away from there and from home has caused a different issue in my mind.

For some reason in my head, I have trouble reaching out to people. It’s not a lack of love but as time passes, I find it harder to reach out to people because I don’t think they want to hear from me. I don’t want to bother people. It doesn’t help no one reaches out to me either which only helps in feeding the monster in my mind.

My brain. A very weird place it is. Honestly, my anxiety has played more of a role in my life the more I think about it. Heck, The NJF is an entire personality extension of confidence and bravado that doesn’t really exist. I always tell folks I’m shy or reserved and I get the side eye or a “whatever” every time. But honestly, I am and The NJF is the character I’m performing to help handle social norms.

That character/performer is why I’m always tired when I get home. It’s exhausting trying to be somewhat normal. I say somewhat because I know people don’t like that guy and I don’t blame them, because The NJF is kind of a jerk. I get it. I’ve admitted to Quincy and Layne more than they realize recently that I hate the character. Apologies if you don’t know them.

However, The NJF is not a character suited for the professional world. Honestly, he’s…he’s not Family Friendly. So what’s happened these days is I’ve created another character and he’s kind of playing out on Facebook, Nicholas J. Finch. Super clean and never has anything out the way to say while striving to be a positive person and the ultimate professional. Need something done and Nicholas J. Finch will get it done.

I hate it.

Why? It’s not me. At all. It’s weird I never go to work with the real me because I don’t think the real me is good enough for a job and I feel the need to constantly prove myself (here’s the later BTW) and I’m never relaxed at work. Since I currently work in Livingston, Alabama, I’ll plainly say I’m never my comfortable self in the town.

It’s my fault. I can point to another thing that hurt. Right after college graduation, I was hired as Sports Editor at the Choctaw Sun-Advocate. After seven months of driving from Livingston to Gilbertown every weekday, I quit that job. No need to sugar coat it, that’s what I did. One of the great mistakes of my life.

I went without a fulltime job from January 2014 to June 2015. In that time I was jobless, I lost myself. Constant denials can really make a person paranoid or dare I say…anxious. I threw a slight joke in there. I apologize. But I’m serious. That time I was unemployed did more damage to me psychologically than any of this other stuff.

I’d say I need therapy, but that’s expensive and I don’t get paid a lot (An entirely different monster I shouldn’t talk about, but this is my forum. It is what it is). So, the best I have is a comedy podcast with Kirstan, this website and you the reader.

I was going to make a larger point, but I’ve rambled long enough. Moral here is to confont your monster. Conquer it as soon as you can and own who you are. Don’t let it affect you the way mine did and hurt how you relate to others. Genuinely love yourself and others can do the same.

Next time. I promise to be funny. I just needed to be real for once.

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